


we go together like hardware and software

by mikronicos



Series: Now Introducing: Harley Keener [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Coffee, Couch Cuddles, Cuddles, F/F, F/M, Harley is thirsty on twitter, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Movie Night, Pranks, Trans Peter Parker, Twitter, movies - Freeform, oh my god I cannot, parley spends time together, they go to a coffee shop like once
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-07-20 13:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19992679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikronicos/pseuds/mikronicos
Summary: When Tony brought Harley to stay for two weeks, he did not expect this.or: harley visits and peter becomes a pining idiot. friends+tony just want them to get together bc they been knew





	1. day one: in which peter is Very Gay

**Author's Note:**

> yeet guys: it's nico, fixing the deficit of parkner/parley fic one fic at a time.

When Peter first heard about Harley Keener, it was during a rare moment of vulnerability from Tony Stark. Peter had been having a nightmare, and, to calm him down, Tony had spun a tale of himself, a boy named Harley, and a potato gun.

Peter had assumed it was another dream. They never spoke of it.

Peter now realizes that it was not, in fact, a dream, as Mr. Stark texts him to come to the tower.

**tin can:** Come to the tower, kid. It's important.

**beter p barker:** what's up mr stark??

**tin can:** Remember that time I told you about Harley?

**tin can:** Well he's going to be here in about twenty minutes.

**tin can:** He's staying at the tower for the next two weeks.

**tin can:** Get your webslinging ass over here, kiddo.

**beter p barker:** lAnGuAgE!1!!!11!

**beter p barker:** but ye sure mr stark

To say that Peter is nervous is an understatement. If what Mr. Stark had said was true, Harley was a genius that outshined Peter in every way humanly possible. 

These are the thoughts that run through his head as he webs across the city. In mere minutes, he lands on the side of Stark Tower, climbing in a window and shucking off his suit carelessly. Peter doesn't spare the crumpled cloth a glance as he exits his room.

After running a comb through his hair (read: fretting over a curl that would bounce back into its infuriating place every time he tried to fix it) and shrugging on a Midtown hoodie over a gray t-shirt, Peter makes his way to the common area. 

Tony has his back turned to him, muttering quietly to himself as he taps at his phone in an almost anxious manner.

"Hey, Mr. Stark! When's Harley getting here?" Tony turns around, the creases of his face brightening when he sees Peter.

"Hey, underoos! C'mere!" He steps forward, pulling Peter against his side in an awkward half-hug that makes him grin despite the anxiety pooling in his gut. "Harley'll be on the runway any minute now. I was just about to leave, you took so long." Peter opens his mouth to retaliate indignantly, but Tony presses on. "C'mon, kid!" Tony pulls Peter along with him into the elevator, calling out for Friday to take them to the ground floor.

Peter anxiously rubs at the spot where his webshooters ~~should~~ would be, giving himself a mental speech on why he shouldn't just leave right now. _C'mon, Peter, it's not like anything bad'll happen_ , he thinks. _Except that Harley's better than you without even trying, and he's going to replace you, and then Mr. Stark will hate you, and_ **_oh god._** Peter inhales sharply, holding it for four seconds, exhaling for four, and holding for another four before restarting the process again. By the time the elevator reaches the ground, his heart rate is only mildly accelerated. _That's better._

Tony looks over at his kid-  _ well, one of them-  _ and places an awkward hand on Peter's shoulder that was probably meant to be comforting but made his throat  _ tighttighttight _ and his heart practically beat out of his ribcage. "You'll be fine, kiddo. Harles doesn't bite."

_ Oh god, _ Peter thinks, gulping. _ He calls him Harles. _

The elevator doors open, blinding Peter momentarily. The momentous noise of the purring jet engine's landing cry, no matter how well-engineered and quiet it supposedly is, crashes like gunfire against his eardrums. The earbuds Stark engineered for him can only do so much to block out the earth-shaking roar of the plane. Still, he slips them on and tries to ignore the pounding in his head.

The roaring jets die down not long after the plane's earth-shaking arrival, and Peter slipps out his earplugs as stairs lower from the plane. Several people rush forward to take a suitcase and other miscellaneous belongings out of the belly of the jet. He's more focused, however, on the two figures that step down the stairs onto the asphalt of the runway. One silhouette is easily recognized as a gruff, bitter Happy, but there's another guy, taller than Happy, standing behind him.

When the figures come close enough for him to make out their features, Peter's mouth goes dry.

Harley's  _ hot _ .

No, seriously, he has this, like, tawny-ish hair, and  _ fuck _ his eyes are so blue, and  _ goddamnit height kink not now- _

Peter was royally fucked.

Tony breaks into a smile when Harley comes close, stepping forward and crushing the kid in a tight hug. "God, I missed you, kid. You know I can fly you down here whenever you want, right?" Harley chuckles,  _ god that voice is so deep _ , and Peter is sure that his cheeks can't get any redder.

"Yeah, I know, Tony. Thanks again for lettin' me stay here for a lil' while." He has a southern accent. Peter stands corrected. "And who's this lil' doll behind you, hmm? You replace me?" Peter's pretty sure his entire face is redder than his suit.

Tony just chuckles. "Yeah, sure, kid. This is Peter, my personal intern/mentee." Peter is unsure if he can even talk at this point.

Harley's lips quirk like something on the borders of a smirk. "Hey, darlin'. Harley Keener, mechanic extraordinaire." He fucking winks at the end, and Peter's tempted to run away screaming bloody murder about hot southern boys who wink.

Instead, he embarrasses himself further, stuttering out, "Hi. I- I'm Parker Peter- I mean Peter Parker!" and extending his hand. 

Harley shakes it, smiling even wider than before (and it's not because there's a cute, stuttering, blushy boy in front of him, no siree-) and following Tony as he turns to the elevator and motions for them to follow him.

In the safety of his room, making sure that the walls' soundproofing capabilities are on, Peter screams into his pillow. "Oh my god, oh my god, _oh my god!_ He's so hot, _what the fuck_ , oh my god, I'm so fucking gay, he called me fucking _doll-_ _jesus christ, I'm going to fucking explode, oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck."_ He screams into his pillow again. "He's visiting for two fucking weeks, what if he flirts with me the whole time, oh god I'm gonna _spontaneously combust, what the fuck,_ I can't do this-"

Peter hears a sharp knock on his door, which, he remembers,  _ he didn't lock before freaking out. _

"Peter? Kid, you in there? Cap's made spaghetti!"

"Bucky making cookies?"

"Yeah."

"Coming!"

At dinner, Harley joins them. His hair is wet and he smells like vanilla and coffee. Peter pointedly ignores the blush on his cheeks redder than the sauce on his food and overcompliments Bucky and Cap instead.


	2. day two: two nerds get kicked out of the MOMA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> read the title u nerds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all I?? love this au?? so much?? i had to write more

Peter is resting peacefully, enjoying a good night's sleep and sleeping in so that he could be well-rested for the day- until Harley barges into his room at ass o'clock in the morning.

Bright morning light pierces his eyelids, courtesy of Harley yanking open the blinds. "Rise and shine, sweetheart! You're takin' me around New York City, so get up and eat some pancakes!"

"What the fuck, Mr. Stark, did you make an AI specifically to wake me up-  _ OH FUCK!" _ Peter shoots up from his covers, thanking Thor that he's wearing a baggy enough shirt to hide his chest. 

Harley chuckles, moving closer to the bed. "C'mon, darlin', breakfast soon."

Peter shrinks back, not-so-subtly concealing his chest with his arms, "Can you let me get dressed first, O Great And Wise Mechanical One?"

Harley winks and opens his mouth to say something _ (probably a not-so-holy comment,  _ Peter realizes later, choking on his Oreo at the thought), but Peter throws a pillow at him and shoos him out before he can say a word.

Peter puts on his backpack over his Midtown hoodie and adjusts his cap. He wanders down so many identical halls that he gives up on counting them, so lost in thought that several employees ask him if he's okay, before reaching Harley's room and knocking loudly. "Harley? You there? I thought you wanted to go on a tour!"

Harley's voice comes from behind the door. "Yeah, just a sec!" He emerges soon after, wearing skinny jeans and a leather jacket over a t-shirt from some band. Peter pointedly ignores his burning cheeks  _ (holyshitheswearningaleatherjacketthatssohotimsogay) _ , grabbing him by the arm and tugging him down the hall to the elevator. 

Peter skips ahead of Harley with a wide puppy-like grin on his face, his hand still clasped around Harley's wrist. He leads him down back alleys and winding streets to get to a quaint little cafe, the smell of cinnamon, caramel coffee, and pastries wafting invitingly from the open door. Peter looks back at Harley, who has a little smirk playing across his lips. "This isn't what I thought you meant by touring New York, darlin'."

Peter shoves his arm playfully, "Hey! Watch your mouth, this is the best cafe in Queens!"

"We'll see. I'm always a slut for coffee, though."

"C'mon then, you'll  _ adore _ this place!"

Peter walks inside under soft, industrial-style lighting, sitting on the barista counter of the empty shop like he owns the place. "Hey, Talyn!" A person with curly, chin-length hair dyed blue and magenta looks up at him behind wide, round glasses. 

"Peter! You haven't visited me in weeks, I thought you abandoned me!" They throw a dramatic hand over their forehead.

"Nah, Tals! Also, we text, like, constantly- never mind." Talyn shakes their head, tutting at Peter's 'betrayal'. "I brought another coffee addict, so, like, wanna hook him up?"

"Ah, yes. Another one he's got under his spell, yeah?" They address Harley, smiling knowingly. Peter splutters indignantly, turning red and covering his burning cheeks.

Harley smirks. "Sure does. Ain't that right, doll?" 

Peter's face turns several shades of red before he chokes out, "I- It's not like that, Tal!"

"Uh huh. So the usual for you, Codex, and something for Southie here?"

"Codex? Nevermind, I'll ask later. Uh..." Harley peruses the baked goods behind the case. "Can I have a blueberry muffin and a caramel iced coffee with two creams?"

"Sure thing!"

The next stop on their field trip is to the MOMA, in which, instead of appreciating fine art, they meme the fuck out of everything and make fun of paintings:

"Harley, [this kid](https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-12/11/13/campaign_images/webdr09/39-renaissance-babies-who-cant-even-2-15467-1418322190-7_dblbig.jpg) looks high."

"Yeah, and I'm sure..." He leans down to look at the plaque. " [ _ Look at this name, Peter- _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) was too, oh my fucking god."

"[This painting](https://sadanduseless.b-cdn.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/ugly7.jpg) is God's mistake."

"No, that's me."

"Dude, look, [this](https://66.media.tumblr.com/fc360f5a220638218c302762b02a96c3/tumblr_myndcmZsw91r6f0d9o1_1280.jpg) is called Lovely Mother And Child."

"Sure, Jan."

"Dead meme!"

"No u!"

"Uno Reverse Card!"

"Guess I'll die."

["Shaggy beta test."](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSmpyXRaeEXupcxV2WDeo6AU3d4Gl_wcMp9sNmmwYIWaamvhH4f)

"I- I can't even contest that, what the fuck-"

"[OH MY FUCKIN GOD, HE FUCKIN DEAD!](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ8aQljpKJihNE6TjJCQHtcp6i2c3l9VkLuHsqV685OI9of2_VIOg)"

"TEA!"

In a posh accent, Harley replies, "We have some piping hot tea to be served today. Our specials are 'I know you're the son of god but I hate you anyway' and 'I wish you were my Romeo, so you could be dead.'"

["Tony Stark has time travel confirmed!"](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRxbrhIOG0Z8yfLPfMX4lBdFfykLzFILWorfx-gxEcwcLDxGqu1)

"Hold on, I actually gotta send that with that caption."

"[This guy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) had the Biggest Dick Energy of the Dark Ages."

"Valid."

They got kicked out of the MOMA.

The sun sets over the sprawling metropolis that is New York. Harley sits on the roof of the Stark Building, sipping a blueberry bubble tea and dangling his feet over the ledge. A soft thud sounds from behind him. Harley turns to see Spider-Man standing almost sheepishly behind him and waving awkwardly.

Harley waves back. "Hi..?"

Spider-Man walks forward, joining him in his leg-dangling. "Hi! I heard that Mr. Stark brought in his kid. Thought I might check you out."

Harley smirks. "You can check me out whenever you want, honey." His face grows red as he realizes  _ he just flirted with a superhero- _ "I'm kinda a huge fan, so, like, I would, um, not be opposed to it-" Harley turns increasingly red with each word he chokes out and rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "Sorry for ramblin' a bit there."

Spider-Man shakes his head. "Don't worry, Harley. I do it all the time."

Harley tilts his head in confusion uncannily like a lost puppy. "How'd ya know my name, Spidey?"

"Oh- uh, M- Mr. Stark told me?"

"Oh. I knew the old man loved me." Harley smiles triumphantly. Spidey just hums thoughtfully in response and watches the orange-splashed sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whaddaya think?


	3. day three: harley is thristy and peter hates identity porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruv I wrote this in like no time I love this so muchH

Tony knocks on Peter's door. "Hey, Underoos! No sleeping in past noon!"

Peter groans, dragging himself out of bed. "But Mr. Stark! What are we even doing today?" he stretches out the vowels, stumbling to the door.

"Well, we're working on a new upgrade for the Iron Spider suit with Harley, but, whatever, I guess. If you'd rather-"

Peter brightens, opening the door. "Harley's gonna help?"

"Wow, don't get too excited. He's a mechanic, so he can help with one of the hardware stuff with me, your wonderful and flawless inventor." Tony chuckles. "Now, get dressed, spiderbaby."

"Mr. Stark!"

Now dressed in his binder, a Love Yourself: Tear t-shirt, black leggings, and the wide-framed glasses he used when inventing (for the aesthetic, of course, it's not like he needs them with his enhanced eyesight), he hops down his stairs two at a time to breakfast, greeting passersby in the halls with wide smiles and a level of energy that shouldn't be possible for someone who just woke up literally twenty minutes ago.

Peter sits down at a bar stool in the Avengers kitchen, serving himself breakfast with a smile and a hug to Bucky. "Hey, Hawley, whaf's upf?" Peter says in between shoveling pancakes into his mouth. 

Harley grins back at him over the arm of the couch he's on. "Hey, doll! Thought you'd never wake up!" 

"Oi!" Clint says, sitting down across from Peter. "No flirting before I get my pancakes!" He bites into one riddled with chocolate chips. "These are great, by the way, Buck."

Bucky smiles at him over his shoulder. "Thanks." He turns his attention back to the multiple pans he has in front of him (the Avengers eat more food than should be humanly- or inhumanly- possible).

Natasha sits in the corner, working on something small in her lap. Peter suspects that she crochets, but he's yet to gather definitive proof. "Good morning, ребенок паук." 

Peter smiles brightly at her. "Good morning, мать паук." 

Tony knocks on the side of the doo rframe that leads into the kitchen-dining-living area. "Underoos. Harles. Lab. Now." Peter shoves one last bite in his mouth and grabs Harley, who mouths 'Underoos?' at him and gets only a secretive half-smile in response.

Peter and Harley meet Tony outside of his personal lab. 

"Hey, Mr. Stark! We're working on a spidey-suit, right?" Peter asks Tony, grinning at Harley's starry-eyed reaction.

Tony pushes the door to the lab open, gesturing for the boys to follow him inside. And that they did, Harley marveling at the futuristic tools and workstations and Peter blushing at the enamored look on his face. Tony winks at Peter as he walks by. "Oh! Would you look at the time! Sorry, I just realized that Pepper scheduled a meeting for me now!"

Peter raises an eyebrow. "Don't you, like, skip meetings all the time?"

Tony laughs nervously. "Um, yeah, but, uh, this one's important- kid, just don't ask questions, okay?"

Harley snorts. "Sure, old man. just get outta here. You look like you wanna bolt, and I can spend some time with this doll."

Peter flushes. Tony grimaces, looking distinctly uncomfortable, and leaves quickly, the door slamming behind him.

"Shall we?"

"We shall."

They spread out their tools and several laptops over the giant island workspace in the middle of the room. Peter snags a barstool and brings up his laptop covered in anime, cartoon, band, Star Wars, and science stickers. Harley commandeers a shorter desk and spreads out an array of fine-toothed tools made to tinker with miniscule items.

Peter looks over at him in confusion. "Wait, aren't you a mechanic? How do you know how to do the hardware of m- Spider-Man's suit?"

"Tony Stark broke into my garage."

"What?"

"I said," Harley says, amused. "That Tony Stark broke into my garage. And I did some shit with his suit, and we stayed in touch, because we're connected. He taught me some stuff."

"Definitely asking Mr. Stark about that one later." Peter says turning back to his screen. "Anyways, do you think..."

\---

It was awhile later, knee-deep in research and web fluid testing, when Harley speaks up about something unrelated to fluid mechanics. Because he can't just be hot, he has to be smart as fuck, too.

"I bet Spider-Man's hot." Harley says, poking at wires with a set of pliers, a screwdriver dangling from his teeth.

Peter splutters, leaning on the table for support as his knees grow weak because  _ oh my god he just called me hot.  _ "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

Harley looks up from his work innocently. "I said, I bet Spidey's hot."

"You a fan or something?" Peter asks, trying to come off as nonchalant while desperately panicking inside.  _ Useless gay mode activated. _

Harley chuckles. "Yep. Spider-Man could run over me, and I'd thank him."

Peter chokes, turning away from Harley to try and catch his breath because oh my lord jesus fuck almighty, Harley's thirsting after Spider-Man  _ in front of Spider-Man _ . Peter has never hated all this stupid identity porn more.

Harley looks at him like he's an alien. "Doll, you good? Can't have you dyin' all over this circuitry." Peter just chokes harder.

"Y-Yeah, all good, Harles." Peter says before slapping a hand over his mouth. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I- um- it's just- Mr. Stark calls you that, so I thought it might be okay if I did too, I'm so sorry!"

Harley chuckles. "I thought we were past this whole stuttering thing. S'all good, sugar. I like it when you say my name." He smirks, his gaze growing sultry.

Peter turns red, burying his face in his hands. "Oh my god, Harley. You can't just say that!" Peter elbows Harley in the ribs. 

Harley winces and elbows back. "Dude, what the fuck? D'you have, like, abs of steel?" He hisses, cradling his elbow.

Peter laughs. "Y'know what? I'm gonna say it." Harley chokes on a laugh, already knowing what he was about to say next. "I don't care that you broke your elbow."

"Oh my fucking god, I love you."

"Uno reverse card."

"Aww! Happy one year!"

"...I'm sixteen."

"And how did Spider-Man defeat Captain America?"

"He shot him in ze legs, because hiz shield iz the size of a dinner plate and he iz an idiot."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mother Nature Is A Bitch And Female Anatomy Sucks, In This Essay I Will-


	4. bonus/day four part one: harley is thirsty on twitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a find the Easter eggs challenge basically tbh

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

no homo or anything but spiderman could get it

**spooder @biderman**

ahkdjdhjdnskl thank u??

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

ur welcome ;)

**can i get a waffle @canipleasegetawaffle**

awh!! #letspideybesoft2k19

**virgilius but not a poet @conspiracycentral**

#letspideybesoft2k19

**lancey @coolninjasharpshooter**

#letspideybesoft2k19

**percy @notharrysbrother**

#letspideybesoft2k19

**nico @ladylordandnonbinaryroyalty**

#letspideybesoft2k19

\--------

**spooder @biderman**

@cawcawmf bruh don't touch my mf hot pockets

**best birb @cawcawmf**

@biderman or what?? gonna web me up?

**spooder @biderman**

@cawcawmf or u can square up behind the denny's at 3am tonight

**best birb @cawcawmf**

@spooder lets go spiderbaby

**spooder @biderman**

@cawcawmf @tstank mr stark ples defend me

**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

@cawcawmf @biderman clint took my sandwich. show no mercy spidey.

**spooder @biderman**

@cawcawmf you heard the man

**best birb @cawcawmf**

@biderman Suddenly I Am Scared For My Life Now

**other spider @blackwindow**

@cawcawmf @tstank why did clint just fall out of my vents and beg for me to hide him

**best birb @cawcawmf**

@blackwindow why are you exposing me

**jbb @shirobutstabbier**

@blackwindow @cawcawmf because it's fun

**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

@cawcawmf @blackwindow because you deserve it

**best birb @cawcawmf**

@ironpaperclip help i'm being bullied

**vox machina @ironpaperclip**

@cawcawmf then perish

**artiste @sombralunaart**

agdkfjdnal @ironpaperclip just memed

**vox machina @ironpaperclip**

@sombralunaart that i did

**COL. RHODES REPLIED TO ME** @sombralunaart

ajfhdksk

\-----

**yeeter @parkour**

ok but,, consider this: southern people are hot

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

@parkour just @ me next time darling

**yeeter @parkour**

@potatogun ADJFKSJSGSI HARLEY STOP

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

@parkour that's not what you said last night ;)

**yeeter @parkour**

@potatogun @tstank mr stark get ur child he's being a little bitch

**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

@parkour @potatogun ...Kid, can you at least keep your thirsting for my son off the internet?

**Boss Ass Bitch @ppotts**

@tstank Tony, you are a PR nightmare.

**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

@ppotts I Am Suddenly More Frightened Than I've Ever Been Before.

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

@tstank @ppotts fuckin roasted my main man @parkour

**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

@potatogun no more lab privileges.

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

@tstank awh :(((

**yeeter @parkour**

@potatogun it's ok fam I'll hang out w u

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

@parkour yay!! :)))

**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

I have never regretted letting them meet more.

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

@tstank you will.

**virgilius but not a poet @conspiracycentral**

...that was so ominous what the fuck

**canigetawaffle @canipleasegetawaffle**

@conspiracycentral hey did you notice that Tony called @parkour his son???

**virgilius but not a poet @conspiracycentral**

@canipleasegetawaffle OH MY DECEIT YOU'RE RIGHT @tstank america explain

**Stark Industries Official @SIOFFICIAL**

Tony Stark is not currently commenting at this time. A press conference is currently being scheduled to deal with the backlash and questions that may or may not have arisen because of Tony Stark's decisions and statements online.

**lancey @coolninjasharpshooter**

@conspiracycentral @canipleasegetawaffle @parkour @potatogun @tstank *wiggles eyebrows*


	5. bonus/day four part two: fluff. that's it. that's the whole chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm leaving for two weeks for a sleepaway camp tomorrow. Can't write much then, and no posting. Love y'all!

Harley looked up from his phone in his room, glancing around at the spare furnishings before groaning and standing up. He stretched, then looked back down at his phone as it buzzed.

**yeeter: hey harles**

Harley smiled at the nickname.

**mechanic: hey doll what's up**

**yeeter: i meant it when i said we could hang out**

**yeeter: that is if you want to ig**

**mechanic: yeah sure! can i come to your room**

**yeeter: uhh ye in like five mins**

**mechanic: k**

Peter looked around his room, covered in Spider-Man suits, clothes, and wrappers.

"Shit."

Peter moved around his room like a whirlwind, shoving clothes into his hamper and spidey-suits in drawers. He snatched up the final Reese's wrapper when someone knocked on the door.

"Uh, Peter? It's Harley!"

Peter dashed to the door, opening it with a bright smile on his face. "Hey, Harley! C'mon in!" He led Harley into his room, which, he noted, was much more comfortably furnished. Almost like... he lived there. 

After they flopped down on a couch and set up a TV, Peter sat up."I'm gonna get some snacks, okay, Harles? What do you want?"

Harley smiled up at him. "Barbecue chips, darlin'. What about you?"

Peter looked down at him, his nose scrunched up in disgust. "Barbecue chips? Honey, you a basic bitch."

Harley looked up at him disbelievingly, a smirk playing across his lips. "Really? Then, what's the best chip flavour, O Great And Wise Chip One?" 

"Salt and vinegar, you uncultured swine. Particularly Canadian ones, because American ones are cowardly and have no flavour."

Harley shrugged. "Fair. What else?"

"Sour patches."

"Of course, I'm not an actual fucking idiot."

"Reese's?"

"Yes, bitch. Yes."

"What else?"

"Can you bring pickles?"

"What?"

"Just a big ol' jar of pickles." 

"Umm..." Peter sighed. "Fine. Go on Netflix and pick a movie or show or some shit." He yeeted the remote at Harley, leaving to the kitchen. Harley turned back to the large screen, flicking through Peter's recommended and Watch It Again. He landed on a title, grinning, and set down the remote, waiting for Peter to come back with the snacks.

The door creaked open, and Peter edged his way through the thin gap between the doorframe and the door with his arms full of chip and snack bags. "Hey, doll! Glad to see you didn't," he affected a deep, gravelly tone that filled Peter's chest with embers. " _die, at the hands of the terrible Mort Queen._ "

Peter responded in an equally dramatic tone, "Of course not, my love, for I could not bear it, and thus I was saved by the illustrious Tear Queen, bathed in blue jewel." He ended with a mock bow.

Harley grinned cheekily, "Bathed in blue jewel, you say? That must have been a sight to behold with thine own eyes. Perchance, will you leave me, my liege, to join the ranks of her many a knight?"

Peter drew closer. "Why no, but I must find where she obtained such a precious jewel, for then it could see how it never could compare to thy iridescent eyes."

At this, Harley couldn't hold in the laughter he had been desperately trying to contain during their interaction. The two laughed, Harley pulling Peter down to rest on his chest. "Alright, darlin'. I picked Brooklyn Nine-Nine, that all right?"

Peter smiled and nodded, turning over so he rested in Harley's lap with his back pressed against Harley's stomach. Harley wrapped his arms around Peter, and they giggled and blushed and pressed play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> grammarly always has a field day with my texting/twitter parts


	6. everyone Been Knew, 2/3 of the trio needs The Tea, and there is some Very Much Platonic cuddling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> backstreets back ALRIGHT

It was a boring Tuesday at the end of a much more exciting double long weekend.

The bell rang, shrill in Peter's sensitive ears, signaling the end of another mindless, repetitive school day. He groaned as he stood up, picking up his over-the-shoulder bag and shoving his books inside it.

He kept his head down in the halls, putting in his earbuds with no music in attempt to drown out excited shouting and talking animatedly with Ned and MJ on either side of him.

Dappled sun hit his face as he exited the school, shaded partially because of the canopy of tall, green-leaved trees above him.

His eyes travelled absently over his surroundings, still idly chatting with his friends. Tree, car, fire hydrant, Harley, tree- wait, Harley?

Harley stood in the distance, leaning against a tree and tossing a pair of car keys in his hand. He had on a flannel shirt with a dark green hoodie tied around his waist and Peter made an eloquent observation that has gone through his head many times: _Now That Is A Handsome Man._

Harley looked up from his keys at Peter, his face breaking into a smile an moving forward. He attracted the attention of a few students, who'd never seen him before. Peter smiled back, cheeks flushing a little.

"Hey, Peter! Happy's drivin' Tony today, so I thought I'd take you." 

Peter scrunched his nose in confusion, _god that's adorable_ , and said, "But I thought I was going to May's?"

Harley chuckled. "Yeah, I'm just drivin' you." He paused, looking at Ned and MJ as if he'd just realised they were there. "Oh- doll, these your friends?"

Peter blushed, hitting his arm. "Harley! But, yeah, these are my friends: Ned and MJ." He gestured to each of them as he said their names.

Ned smiled at Harley. "I'm Ned." Harley shook his hand.

MJ looked him up and down, seemingly unimpressed. "MJ." Harley paused, unsure of how to take the greeting.

Seemingly unaware of their loaded interaction, Peter grabbed Harley's wrist. "Well, we gotta go! Text you guys later!" He skipped over to the car Harley arrived in, Harley smiling indugently behind him.

The pair watched as the car drove off.

"Wow," Ned said slowly. "That man is whipped."

"For once, I completely and totally agree with you."

In the car, Peter pulled out his phone, putting in his headphones and letting a song play.

**[chat: the golden trio but gayer: gitc, superior nerd, a tired spider]**

**gitc: peter**

**gitc: peter**

**gitc: peter**

**gitc: peter**

**gitc: peter**

**[superior nerd is online]**

**superior nerd: ned shut ur fuck**

**superior nerd: im tryna study**

**[a tired spider is online]**

**a tired spider: *Cap PSA Voice* now we both know that's not true**

**gitc: peter!!!**

**a tired spider: ye**

**gitc: i have three words: Harley Is Whipped**

**a tired spider: What No What Why Do You Think That**

**superior nerd: the man wants to fuck you.**

**a tired spider: ADFHDKSJSL MJ STOP**

**gitc: i mean,, she's not wrong tho**

**superior nerd: they're****

**gitc: they're not wrong tho**

Peter looked up from his phone, blushing. Harley glanced over at him from the wheel. "You good, darlin'?" 

Peter blushed harder. "Yeah. Fine." His voice is at least half an octave higher. Harley quirked his eyebrow and smiled, returning to the road.

**gitc: peter**

**gitc: peter**

**gitc: PETER**

**a tired spider: IM HERE IM HERE**

**superior nerd: distracted by your boy toy, i see**

**gitc: distracted bi* his boy toy**

**a tired spider: OMG AJFJKLH NED NOT THE TIME**

**superior nerd: a worthy addition**

**gitc: lmao his face must be so red**

**a tired spider: sigh. betrayed by my own flesh and blodd**

**gitc: blodd**

**superior nerd: blodd**

**a tired spider: BETRAYED BY MY OEN FLESH AND BLOOD**

**gitc: oen**

**superior nerd: oen**

**a tired spider: i hate you all**

**superior nerd: gr9 my dude**

**a tired spider: gr9**

**a tired spider: wait how come you make fun of me and not them**

**gitc: Because Everything They Do Is Intentional**

**gitc: Your MJ-Dar Is Getting Rusty**

**superior nerd: Perhaps You Need to Fix It**

**a tired spider: ...**

**a tired spider: why was that so ominous what the fuck**

**superior nerd: I Can Tell You**

**a tired spider: No Thanks I'm Good**

**gitc: Why Are We Typing Like This**

**a tired spider: I Don't Know But I Can't Stop**

**a tired spider: ok were here**

**gitc: bye!! <3**

**a tired spider: bye!!! <3**

**[gitc is offline]**

**[a tired spider is offline]**

**[superior nerd is offline]**

Peter unplugged his earbuds, picking up his bag and shoving his phone in his pocket. Harley looked at his still-red face over the car, smiling as he walked around to meet him, "Lead the way."

The door to Peter's apartment opened with a creak, the sound of rapid typing on a old keyboard filling the house.

"Aunt May?" Peter asked, kicking off his shoes at the door. "I'm home! I brought a friend, is that okay?"

May looked up from her beat-up computer. "Oh hey Peter! You know Ned and MJ are always welcome here- oh! Hello!" Harley poked his head in from the hallway, having finished taking off his shoes.

"Hi, Mrs. Parker, I'm Harley. I, uh, know him through Tony." Harley said awkwardly, fiddling with a band on his wrist.

May smiled warmly. "Oh. So you know that-" Peter rushed forward and clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Uh, Peter? What- what're you doin'?" Harley asked.

Peter dropped his hand. "Oh- uh- sorry, I'm- I was just-" he fumbled for an excuse.

May butted in. "He just doesn't like it when I tell people that he sews, that's all."

Peter chuckled awkwardly. "Uh- yeah. I, uh, like to do needlework. That's all. That's it. Nothing more to it!"

Harley looked at him weirdly. _Oh shit he knows._ "Uh, yeah. Um, can we, uh go to your room now, Peter?"

Peter laughed in relief. "Yeah! C'mon!" He lead Harley down a hall into a small room with a bed and a desk. Peter sat down on his bed, thanking his lucky stars that he'd been forced by May to "scrub his room 'til it shone" before he'd left for Stark Tower the previous Friday.

"So..."

"So..."

Both boys stared awkwardly. Peter spoke up after a while of staring. "Um, do you, uh, like John Mulaney?"

Harley's face brightened. "Yeah! Do you wanna watch, like, Kid Wonderful or something?"

Peter took out his phone. "Sure!"

The boys got comfortable on their stomachs on Peter's bed, bringing up Kid Wonderful.

A quarter through the video, Harley laced their fingers together. 

Halfway through the video, Peter flipped so that he rested on the right side of his body. A few minutes later, Harley mimicked him on the left side, so they faced each other. 

Three quarters through the video, their legs were tangled together and Harley's arm was slung over Peter's waist. 

By the end, Peter's head was in the crook of Harley's neck, Harley's cheek pressed against his curly hair. Harley's arm was tucking Peter closer to his chest. 

When the audio cut out, Harley leant closer, his lips brushing Peter's ear deliciously. "D'you wanna listen to another one?"

Peter hitched one leg over Harley's thigh. His arm wound its way around Harley's waist, his hand pressing flat between his shoulder blades and pulling them closer together. 

"No," Peter said, his lips moving against Harley's neck in a way that made him want to use this bed for much filthier things with this boy, "No, I think I'm good."

May giggled in the doorway to Peter's room hours after they'd fallen asleep.

MJ and Tony got some material excellent blackmailthat day.


	7. day six: harley is (the pining version of) horny on main, peter is Slightly Less Innocent, and tony shouldn't read the original version of this chapter unless he wants an aneurysm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen To Me It Was Going To Be Sexy But I'm Ace-Spectrum And That's Hard
> 
> (and anyway they're not even together yet so like ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ whatcha gonna do)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry i havent updated but!! when summer's over and school starts!! my schedule won't be as whack!! and i can do things without being interrupted by vacations/sleepaway camps!! (speaking of which, I'm gonna be in one next next week ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯)

xvgkajsbjsjsjdldkdnndnd


	8. chapter seven: they're whipped on twitter (but not together, they promise)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what it says on the tin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owo owo backstreets back

**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

when ur crush makes u soft but hes softer

  
  


**snatched all my @uwus**

@potatogun if that aint a Got Damn Mood

  
  


**princess tech @shuwuri**

@potatogun do,, do squishes count

  
  


**tony stark broke into my garage @potatogun**

@shuwuri why of course my dear ace/aro friendo

  
  


**princess tech @shuwuri**

@potatogun well then i am indeed Whipped

  
  


**yeeter @parkour**

@potatogun adsdfjgjkd

  
  


\-----

  
  


**The Only Competent One Here @ppotts**

@tstank What Did You Do?

  
  


**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

@ppotts I don’t feel safe. What did I do?

  
  


**The Only Competent One Here @ppotts**

@tstank Why is the entire Avengers lounge covered in pink glitter and repulsor parts?

  
  


**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

@ppotts @potatogun @biderman Harley. Spidey. Get down to lab #3. NOW.

  
  


**spooder @biderman**

@potatogun @ppotts @tstank fine but if im going down you’re going down with me @snakeshifter @cawcawmf

  
  


**not a Man @snakeshifter**

@biderman you have betrayed me, child.

  
  


**best birb @cawcawmf**

@biderman you’re a little shit

  
  


**You Know Who I Am @tstank**

@cawcawmf @biderman not in front of the kid!

  
  


**can i get waffle @canipleasegetawaffle**

that was wild from start to finish

  
  


**cats dogs and frogs @pitpatpatton**

@canipleasegetawaffle @conspiracycentral virgey you like analysing the avengers right

  
  


**virgil but not a poet @conspiracycentral**

@canipleasegetawaffle @pitpatpatton did anyone else notice that “not in front of the kid!” comment @tstank  (ﾟーﾟ)

**nico @ladylord+nonbinaryroyalty**

@canipleasehaveawaffle @pitpatpatton @conspiracycentral *wiggles eyebrows*

  
  


\-----

  
  


**superior nerd @mkaymj**

@parkour @GITC i have Tea

  
  


**covered your ass, peter @GITC**

@parkour @mkaymj do spill

  
  


**superior nerd @mkaymj**

@parkour @GITC peter is Whipped [attached file: tiredcuddles.img]

  
  


**yeeter @parkour**

@GITC @mkaymj guys, you can’t wake him up -Harley

  
  


**covered your ass, peter @GITC**

@mkaymj @parkour w h i p p e d

  
  


**yeeter @parkour**

@mkaymj @GITC you’re not wrong [attached image: cuteselfie.img] -Harledsfajdf

  
  


**yeeter @parkour**

@mkaymj @GITC sorry harley took my phone

  
  


**superior nerd @mkaymj**

@GITC @parkour w h i p p e d


End file.
